Is it normal for students to feel lonely in college?
Major life transitions present growth opportunity
Parents of high school students nearing college often ask me for tips and insider things they should know since I live in a college community and get to engage with many students, learning about what they face and need in support. What the parents mean with this question typically relates to common themes like how much monthly spending money their first-year student will need, what to expect from a fraternity or sorority rush, or how much they should assist with dormitory room buildout.
Reasonable questions.
But my initial answer is always the same, and it can catch parents off-guard, initially, only because they don’t expect it, since here’s the one big thing I think parents of first-year college students should know:
It’s common and normal for students to experience bouts of loneliness in college.
A feeling of loneliness doesn’t mean that a student made the wrong college choice, won’t have an enriching, incredible college experience, or are alone. It's the opposite, in fact: Growing and learning from loneliness moments is the greatest education.
Significant transitions in life, like leaving home, surrounded by new people, opportunities, and experiences, can make any of us feel unsteady and lonely, and for college students, it’s especially true. That’s why studies are consistent revealing that loneliness is something many students experience at one time or another in college.
For parents, it can be alarming. They are naturally worried about their child, who is away, perhaps on their own for the first time. But what’s happening for most students is a natural emotional growth process that is as important as the sociology or math classes they’ll take or the friends they’ll make.
Learning to be alone and comfortable with that aloneness is one of the most essential life skills we can learn, and it’s vital to our mental health as adults. Also, learning to cope with change is an integral part of the college experience and will serve students later in life better than most anything they’ll learn in a classroom.
That’s not to say anyone should take significant loneliness lightly. For some, intense feelings require counseling and support beyond basic adaptation skills, and most colleges or universities in the country have counseling centers and or available community or online resources for students. Better safe if unsure.
For most students, though, the loneliness presents periodically more as mild anxiety – “People surround me, but I don’t know them, and they don’t know me” and the safety and comfort of home beckons even though months before they couldn’t wait to leave. In these instances, parents need to listen but not push. The temptation is to urge them to charge across campus and insert themselves into something or someone, and everything will be immediately okay. However, most students are more comfortable making small steps initially, exploring exciting spots on campus, and returning to ones that give them delight and comfort. Soon, they’ll meet others in search of the same, and the college experience they sought is well underway.
Meanwhile, parents should acknowledge the child’s feelings of aloneness and let them know it’s okay and that you’ve experienced them too – a first day on the job, or years before at a first day at camp as a child. Remind them also that there’s nothing wrong in a period of transition to have time alone, and how it’s often a growth period, learning to eat or watch a movie by oneself.
The good news is that, for most, the feelings don’t last long, and the resilience they cultivate gives them a stronger mental health foundation.
The best news is that any college graduate will tell you that the more challenging times they faced in college, like facing aloneness, are the very experiences that made college so worthwhile, that better prepared them for the life ahead.