How do I talk to my child (teen or college student) about anxiety, depression, drinking or drugs?

Open-ended questions are gateway for improved parent-student communication

As the dawn of a new school year approaches, millions of students will begin new chapters in their educational lives that are both exciting and daunting. Starting middle school, high school, or college means new friends and experiences, of course, but also new risks, including anxiety, depression, and a higher potential for self-medication from substances, including alcohol and marijuana.

The good news is that parents can help reduce their child’s risk with one simple adjustment.

Because schools trust me and invite me to speak to students and parents throughout the country about mental health challenges and recovery, parents often ask me, “How do I prepare my child for (fill in the blank with middle school, high school, or college)?”

My answer is typically the same: “It’s not how you prepare your child, but how you prepare yourself.”

They’ll look slightly surprised and puzzled until I give the simple answer, which has great power.

I explain that the number one thing all parents need to know is the importance of talking to children with open-ended questions rather than trying to cheer them up and talk them out of what they feel.

Example: A first-year college student pledges to a big sorority, seemingly surrounded by friends, but also feels lost and anxious, away from home, and unsure of how to fit in.

A typical parent's reaction is to try and motivate the child into positive thinking, suggesting something like, “But dear, you are at the university of your choice and in the sorority of your dreams…you have everything you ever wanted, you have so much to be happy and thankful for.”

“I know, Mom, but…”

Feeling lonely in college at some point isn’t just normal, it’s typical.

Thus, how parents approach the situation has much to do with how the student manages it. An open-ended question allows the child to express themselves, which will likely alleviate the gravity of the situation, as talk therapy does, while also revealing the severity of it, if the problem is severe.

For example: “I hear you. Tell me, how did the weekend feel?”

Likely answer: “I felt lost. Half the students were partying. The other half was in the dorm alone. And I didn’t want to be in either. I don’t feel I have a place here like I thought.”

Follow up: “How do you think those students felt?”

“Which ones?”

“Any of them?”

“Well, I think the half partying was trying not to feel alone, and the other half didn’t feel comfortable at the parties.”

From the conversation alone, the student begins to understand that they are not alone—other students likely face similar feeling, and they have listening and caring parental support at a critical time.

As for middle and early high school students, instead of saying, “You are not allowed to drink or do drugs,” an order that has proven to waste breath, how about asking, “Why do you think classmates use alcohol or other drugs?” Or “How does it feel when you are around classmates drinking and you are not?”

It’s important to respect your child’s thoughts and individuality, just as it's vital to engage their thinking brain, the prefrontal cortex, which allows for reflection and speaking their truth. Also, by asking, parents are often surprised by what they learn. It’s not uncommon, for instance, for a teen to reveal that they were already using substances when parents didn’t know or that they face anxiety and depression not previously known, revealing the opportunity for helpful and healing counseling to further explore.

It’s research-proven that teens and college students need to be seen, heard, and listened to. They’ll shut parents down in a one-sided order. It didn’t work for me, and it hasn’t worked for any parents.

It’s not easy for us parents to ask questions, pause and listen, when giving orders to fit our wants and demands is the easiest path. We want to tell our children what to do and how they should feel. Yet, the research is clear that speaking with our children in open-ended questions yields healthier students, healthier student-parent relationships, and healthier families.

Therefore, the homework assignment as a new school year begins is for parents, not students. Practice talking to your children with open-ended questions rather than dishing demands and pep talks. Then, listen, closely.