3 Keys to a Life Best Lived
How I found sustainable joy after mid-life stumble
In my mid-40s, I was restless, uncomfortable, and unsure. I knew I had to change, that I couldn't take those feelings one more step into the future, or else, I'd waste the opportunity for a life best lived wasted, and that those near me would suffer because a life best lived that shatters can't help but hurl pieces of that shrapnel on those close to them.
Strong feelings of failure, less-than, and shame that once felt unsurmountable became conquerable with seemingly slight but essential adjustments that changed my life and, therefore, improved the lives of others around me.
Here are the three secrets to turning a life that feels off course into sustainable joy—a best-lived life.
1) Focus on yourself, and stop obsessing over others you want to control. In other words, stop trying to control everyone and everything and feel anxiety and frustration when you can't. Children. Family. Politics. Others at work. This is the first step of freedom in personal responsibility, leaving the blame game behind. Stop blaming those who have other viewpoints, or over distress throughout the world you can’t control. Feel it, sure; have informed points of view, and even share those for impact when healthy opportunity presents. Do something about it, even. But understanding that we have our life to live is our responsibility, and that others rooting for the other team, be it sports or politics or school or community, or even different wants and desires within our own families, have their life to live. What they want that’s different from us cannot and should not control our joy.
It's not our role in this life to control them. Letting go of control, and living alongside and with, others, and listening and learning, while informing when the opportunity presents itself, is the first step to personal freedom.
2) Practice vulnerability. I didn't arrive at vulnerability as a middle-aged man on purpose. I got there in desperation because I needed to rebuild trust and relationships. But what I learned in that act of desperation is that our vulnerability is a powerful healer, which improves relationships while building self-esteem. It's a simple process: By better articulating our truth, others better understand us, and we better understand ourselves from the shame of everything we've foolishly tried to hide and cover up, that we never really covered up, anyway.
And note that I say practicing vulnerability because it is a practice. It's never easy, and it's learned. But we can start, grow, and improve at vulnerability over time. Making it a practice and finding that starting point is the key to finding sustainable joy.
3) Forgiveness. Before my mid-life struggle, I'd considered myself one who forgives. But honestly, I had no idea the depth of true forgiveness. It starts with us -- to forgive others; we must forgive ourselves of mistakes and misdeeds and move on, learning from the past as a guide to the future.
Failure is how we learn; turning that failure into an asset of learning and growth rather than a mark of shame is vital for a joyful life journey. Once we better understand forgiving ourselves, we can better forgive others -- those who have hurt us directly and those who disrupt our lives indirectly because we are troubled by their differences from us. Also, we all have people we have harmed with our words and actions, and we must ask and work for their forgiveness as well.
On paper, these concepts are simple. But a day away from my 59th birthday, with more than a decade of sustainable joy without the aid of medication or much of anything beyond Faith, the love and support of family, and these principles of daily living as a foundation, I've experienced how focusing on oneself, not others, practicing vulnerability, and working at forgiveness can change the course of life.
It’s good medicine for everyone, regardless of age.
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Remember: It’s never too late to rebuild. And, it’s never so difficult that it can’t be done, no matter how daunting. Our latest episode of A Little Crazy with David Magee podcast dropped today, with Tom Goodwin (Phoebe’s father!), on rebuilding after the devastating Gatlinburg fire. Hope you’ll listen (or watch) and share.